if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
is nasa ok
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
The opposite of Iceland is water water