She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN