do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Not today.. 😂
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.