Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
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“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.