HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
ugh fine
鈥 guess since i鈥檓 a
pisces i鈥檒l marry aquaman
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I鈥檝e specifically told them to have a safe flight.
#dnd #ttrpg
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where鈥檚 mom?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
normalize slapping the phone out someone鈥檚 hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
him: i need some space
me: fine i鈥檒l wait outside the bathroom door
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 馃檮
Child just ran by screaming WHERE鈥橲 THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…