I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
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Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good