Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
normalize having existential bread
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
thanks auntie mary
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?