My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
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Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Yes, but it was never about money
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
(Gaming support cat.)
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit