Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
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[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her