Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.