Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
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God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I am crying
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I’ve been learning to cook.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.