got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
It’s a gift
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.