Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Hamburger Hinderer.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?