If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her