When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”