is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I can’t stop laughing at this
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”