*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Sex so good you see dead people.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
LMAO.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.