Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out