I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
True?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Kermit goes Blue.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii