[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.