William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
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I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
How actors in movies eat their food
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
This meal prepping shit is easy
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.