Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
You Might Also Like
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Brother?
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
When news reporters do sports stories
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.