them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
HR said no more nunchucks.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
what it’s like dating me:
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”