Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems