@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
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“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Spell check is for lasers.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Home is where your toilet is.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I need to get some bricks…
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.