If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Its a hippotatomus
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.