Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.