So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
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Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess