I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.