Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
You Might Also Like
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
My dryer is celebrating lint.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Become ungovernable.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
This rocks