[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES