I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave