“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
black phone good
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Oops
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.