“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.