I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
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The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
relationship goals
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.