Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
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The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids