The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
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prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Can. I. Help. You.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.