The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
You Might Also Like
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Choose your fighter
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.