Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them