[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
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It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!