If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.