Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
You Might Also Like
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.