“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
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Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
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LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work