Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
You Might Also Like
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?