My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
The pasta is now
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”