Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
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While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Yes, but it was never about money
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Need this in my life lol
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again