I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.