Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.