Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”