Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
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I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
HR said no more nunchucks.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”